Gaslighting: How Addicts Manipulate

The term “gaslighting” has been thrown around quite a bit in recent media. The term originates from a movie set in the days when houses had gas lamps. The wife is wealthy, and the husband wants something from her that he thinks is in the attic. Turning the light on in one room dims the light in other rooms because there’s only so much gas available. When the wife asks about his activities, he sets out to make her think she’s crazy to avoid her discovering his snooping.

In modern situations, gaslighting is an intentional act of deception to deflect blame. Many families of addicted individuals report their loved one gaslighting them. If you suspect your loved one is gaslighting you, this article may clarify things or give you information to take to a therapist or trusted friend.

Gaslighting and Addiction

A person suffering from addiction can go to incredible lengths to avoid discovery and deflect blame, so they don’t have to admit to their destructive behavior and get their next fix.

Substances rob them of their inhibitions. They smudge the line of what an individual is willing to do to get their way. Someone who was sweet, kind, and fair before addiction may play dirty to protect their addiction.

Common Gaslighting Statements

Blaming the victim is a common strategy for abusers of all sorts. They want you to feel guilty for their bad behavior. If you feel guilty, they’re off the hook.

• You make me so angry.
• You did this, not me.
• You put so much pressure on me. What else was I supposed to do? -Or- What did you expect?
• I never said (or did) that. You’re making it up.
• Are you insane? I would never do that.
• You made me do it.
• I’m like this because of you.
• You’re always judging me.

In addition to victim blaming, they can indicate your reaction is out of proportion compared to the wrong committed. If they can make you feel like you’re overreacting, they can hold off any confrontations for a time.

• It’s no big deal. You’re overreacting.
• You’re blowing this all out of proportion.
• You’re too emotional.
• Is it that time of the month?

If confronted with direct evidence of using or drinking, they can try to make you doubt the evidence.

• That’s the same bottle that was there two months ago. I haven’t touched a drop in weeks.
• It isn’t mine.
• I’m holding it for a friend.

They may attack your credibility to protect themselves. This may include:

• Picking a fight, then calling the cops on the victim to make a paper trail.
• Provoking you until you say or do something you regret, then holding that over your head every time you’re forced to deal with their addiction. They can use it against you for years.
• Going behind your back and turning your family and friends against you.
• Manipulating children to turn against the sober parent.

What to Do?

If you think you’re facing a gaslighting situation, here are some steps to take:

1. Keep a record of your conversations, incidents, and evidence. Take it to a counselor or trusted friend. Ask them if you’re overreacting. Someone on the outside will see the situation more clearly. Do not show the record to the addicted family member. Don’t confront them directly, especially alone. Contact a professional interventionist who can handle the situation if it goes south.
2. Don’t reason with a gaslighter. Disengage.
3. If they’re a minor, get them to a detox facility near you that will remove them from their current environment, safely wean them off their substance under medical supervision, and give them a structured program for recovery.
4. If they’re an adult, set clear boundaries with consequences. Then, be willing to follow through.
   1. Spouse: Be willing to get yourself and your children out of a toxic environment, even if that means moving out.
   2. Adult child: No substance use will be tolerated in your house, or they will need to leave. Any abusive behavior will end the visit.

Additional Thoughts

Remember that addiction can severely alter a personality. The addict could do things they would never consider in their sober minds. They may feel shame after detoxification. They may not remember all their actions.

If someone goes through the very real pain and struggles to get sober, and they come to you seeking forgiveness with sincerity, don’t let past hurts rob you of healing. You may never have the same relationship you had before they got addicted. You may forge a new relationship that is even stronger. Only time will tell. Let them prove to you they have changed before you give up hope.

If you’re in the area and would like help with your or a family member’s addiction, we have men’s treatment centers in Idaho Utah. We also have women’s substance abuse treatment programs in Idaho. Let us help you on your road to recovery.