Having a parent with an addiction to alcohol or drugs can be challenging for kids. They may feel confused or uncertain about what is going on with their parent. Some children may think the addiction is their fault.
Kids can sense when something isn’t right. Without information, they may fill in the blanks on their own. Unfortunately, what they fill in may not be healthy thoughts. Talking with your kids about addiction helps them understand what addiction is and how it affects the family.
The Reason for a Conversation
Kids deserve to know what is going on with their parents. When you don’t speak about an addiction, you can pass on negative feelings that affect your kids’ self-esteem. By not having a conversation about addiction, your kids won’t know it’s okay to talk to you about their feelings or ask questions. They can also be at risk of harmful behaviors. An open, honest conversation allows them to feel loved and supported.
Not talking about addiction doesn’t stop your kids from knowing something’s wrong. A conversation is necessary because ignoring the topic or acting like it doesn’t exist can leave kids questioning if what’s going on is normal. Ignoring the situation doesn’t erase the pain they feel.
How Addiction Affects Kids
Children may think they need to keep their parents’ addiction a secret, especially if no one else in the family talks about it. They may want to protect their parent from alcohol or drugs by, for example, not having friends over. They may also avoid social situations because of fear, embarrassment, or guilt.
Children may also be at an increased risk of developing cognitive, social, and behavioral issues, such as:
- Impulse control
- Depression, anxiety, and self-esteem
- Emotional regulation
- Problems in school, such as declining grades or negative behaviors
At Renaissance Ranch, we offer family therapy to help families communicate with each other in a safe and supportive environment.
Create a Healthy Environment
Children need to know they have positive ways to express their feelings. You can find ways that allow them to express themselves, build healthy coping skills, and have the support they need. Some examples include:
- Getting them involved in community activities, such as sports, the arts, and nature-based activities
- Making sure they have at least one healthy adult role model
- Support groups for children of parents with an addiction
- Therapy
Honest Conversation About Addiction
An open, honest conversation about addiction can help kids find ways to cope. A few ideas on how to talk to your kids about addiction include:
- Educate yourself about addiction
- Age appropriate
- Keep it simple
- Use language they’ll understand
- Have the conversation when your child is relaxed and in a comfortable spot
- Choose a place where there won’t be interruptions or where you won’t be overheard
- Reassure them that you and your spouse love them
- Open up the conversation to questions – encourage a conversation about how they feel
- Be available to them to answer questions or talk about their thoughts and feelings.
What They Should Know
Any conversation that deals with issues like substance use disorder (SUD) is difficult, especially when talking to your child. These conversations should let them know the following:
- They’re not alone. Let them know other families are coping with addiction.
- The addiction isn’t their fault. Explain that nothing they did caused the addiction
- Addiction causes good people to make unhealthy choices. This is important because it’s vital to let them know their parent isn’t bad.
- You are there to listen to their concerns, fears, and feelings; they can ask you for help.
You can use the “Cs” created by the National Association for Children of Addiction to further build a support system for them. The 7 Cs are:
- I didn’t cause it
- I can’t cure it
- I can’t control it
- I can care for myself
- I can communicate my feelings
- Make healthy choices
- Celebrate myself
Age Appropriate Conversations
Talking to your kids about addiction can be tricky. You may not know what you can or should say to them. An essential part of any conversation is the message that you and your spouse love them. Explain that addiction is a disease that can be treated. You may want to explain that their treatment at Renaissance Ranch helps their parent treat the disease.
Each age group has a different way of processing the addiction of their parent. Children below the age of 10 are still in the “me” phase and may think the addiction is their fault. Younger children may need you to reassure them they’re loved.
Kids who are tweens can understand the facts about addiction. It’s okay to share what addiction is and how it affects the parent and the family. Children who lack complete information may be tempted to come up with their own answers. This is not something you want. Your conversation needs to be open and honest. Let them know they can reach out whenever they have questions or want to discuss further. Listen to their feelings and let them know it’s okay to be confused, angry, or anxious. If you think it’s a good idea, make an appointment with a therapist. They may say things to a therapist that they may not share with you.
When speaking with teenagers, there are several key considerations to keep in mind. One of them is that they may resent the addiction. For instance, if they missed time with friends or had to take care of siblings or extra housework, it can create resentment. It’s vital to explain that their parent is a good person, but the addiction is bad.
Kids can be confused and insecure if a parent has an alcohol or substance use disorder. They may feel like they don’t have anyone to talk to about their feelings. An honest, open conversation about addiction lets them know you’re there for them. By letting them ask questions and giving them a safe place to talk about their feelings, you can break the silence. Healthy, age-appropriate conversations help rebuild the family. Renaissance Ranch believes the family can be healed with individual, group, and family therapy. We encourage family members to communicate with each other while finding ways to support their loved one. For more information, contact us today at (801) 308-8898.